It is perfectly normal for suicide to enter the thought process when faced with a chronic illness like this, which affects you 24-7.
When I was a philosophy major, I was very interested in the concept of suicide, and I read what a lot a great thinkers had to say about it. Some of this might be relevant to you, maybe not.
Schopenhauer pointed out that suicide can never achieve its purpose. The goal is to remove the pain and leave a YOU without pain. But suicide eliminates the YOU and therefore cannot produce a YOU without the pain. It is a false idea. He did not think that suicide was morally wrong, just that people who commit suicide make a cognitive error.
Camus makes the claim in his book The Myth of Sisyphus that live gets its meaning by struggling against pointless and meaningless obstacles, and it is in these encounters that you can shape yourself. Thus he says that we have to imagine Sisyphus happy despite being condemned to roll a stone up a hill forever. That is precisely what life is, just moving things around on the earth, and you have to create meaning out of that.
I could go on, but my point is that you should not feel bad for these thoughts, but you should realize that there is no way out of this problem, there is only a way through. It is like a tunnel that you have to go through, you cannot get any relief any other way.
thanks for all the nice responses. I used to study philosophy too, feels like a lifetime ago though it was less than 4 years.
Suicide is not a good option, but it feels like the only option sometimes. Well see what happens I guess, sometimes the knowledge that this hell can all end when I have had enough is at least a little comforting.
Hi Mikael,
I have just thought this today,
I have been feeling so bad emotionally past week with return of incessant head tapping, just take valium when there to hope to sleep. But my question is should I just take during day now too? Is only 2mg
needing to take the edge off more.Have a vodka if doesnāt give headache, wine seens to be a trigger, unfortunatley. GPās look at me like iām nuts, waiting months to see the neurosurgeon they referred me too, ct+ mriās ānormalā, now saying I should be seeing neurologist, so have to wait again?? I Say to doc āwhy is nobody helping me?ā
Last year lying in bed with never-ending staircase in my head, hear helicopter in distance getting closer, until it is over top of house, the beating of the blades synchronise with the beating in my head, and there is just no way to describe to some one the terror Iāve felt.
The only way Iāve got through past year is that i had happened to find a clinical psychologist i connect to, although I feel a bit pathetic that the person Iām closest to, itās their job to listen to me.
Itās exhausting, I miss my dog so much, she died aged 13 last year, I just really really need her here.
Hi
I have felt suicidal a few times and last year I was concocting plans on how I would do it , it really was that bad.
I was so dizzy canāt even describe how bad it was but like walking on a ship in stormy waters with a whirling severely in my head to.
I never thought I would come out of that itās the worst Iāve ever felt in my life but I did come out of it, it wasnāt over night it took time but I got on some meds that thankfully worked for me.
Donāt give up I nearly did but Iām so glad I didnāt x
Iāve been there too. I know just how you are feeling. Iāve had off and on episodes for 10 years now. Sometimes symptoms would only last a day and the longest was 5 months straight. It was during the 5 months that I felt like ending it. That was 6 years ago and in that 6 year period it has mostly been mild and short lasting. Believe me, you will feel better. It may take awhile. But take heart that MAV is ever changing. If you are at rock bottom now the only direction from here is up. Hang in there, I know how hard this is. What I love about this board is how supportive everyone is. If you would like to p.m me please do so. Would be happy to talk with you. It is so hard to go through this alone.
I can most definitely relate to your consideration of suicide. When my horrible symptoms started over a year ago I became terribly depressed and considered many different ways in which I could end my life. I couldnāt imagine living my life like this for several more decades.
However, as time as passed my interest in suicide waned, not to say it still doesnāt cross my mind during my really bad days. There are several reasons why one day I made a concerted effort to live my life as I am ableā¦ pushing back the constant shitty feelings I experience. First, I would never want my children to have to grow up without a mother. I love them more than I hate what is happening to me. Second, I have noted some improvements from time to time, which give me hope. Third, I read a very meaningful transcribed interview from Pastor Rick Warren, the author of The Purpose Driven Life.
I know not everyone is āspiritualā or a practicing Christian, and I respect that and most certainly would not want to impose my beliefs on others. However, for those who may find it useful, here is a passage from the interview that really struck a cord in me: āLife is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, youāre just coming out of one or youāre getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but thatās not the goal of life: The goal is to grow in character, In Christ-likeness.ā Again, I donāt want to proselytiseā¦ I am just passing along something that has helped me tremendously. If itās not useful to you, then please disregard.
There is more to the interview I can PM anyone who is interested.
All my best to youā¦ Iām sorry you are experiencing this. I truly know how horrible and life-changing vestibular issues can be. Itās too bad we donāt all live in the same area so we could meet-up and commiserate.
There are days I think about it too. On my bad days I live for the moment I can crawl into bed and go back to sleepā¦that is the favorite part of my day. Something else that gets me through is just telling myself that tomorrow will be better. Itās not always the truth, but when it is Iām relieved and glad I have a good day to enjoy. One day at a time is the only way to do it I guess.
I was stuck in my house completely disabled for about 8 months. I knew I couldnāt kill myself because I had two little kids (thatās what I told myself). And I donāt think I was depressed. Keep hoping and trying new things/meds. There IS reason for hope. I was really, totally miserable (like every day is misery, take sleeping pill then start over) and now Iām at about 95%.
God, Iām so sorry that you find yourself in that dark, dark place - I remember in the early days I too thought of this - itās just so hard to carry on. Iām not sure how long youāve been suffering, or whether itās relatively early days? The first year was by far the worst for me - it does and will get better, even though I know thatās so hard to believe from where you are. Get the right help, from whoever you have to, and hang on in there.
As I type this, Iāve just been listening to āWe werenāt born to followā, and some of the lyrics really stood out for me and us MAVers. I know some people can take solace and gain strength from music - whatever it takes, please hang in there and keep in touch (feel free to PM me), Tony:
*This one goes out to the man who mines for miracles
This one goes out to the ones in need
This one goes out to the sinner and the cynical
This aināt about no apology
This road was paved by the hopeless and the hungry
This road was paved by the winds of change
Walking beside the guilty and the innocent
How will you raise your hand when they call your name?
We werenāt born to follow
Come on and get up off your knees
When life is a bitter pill to swallow
You gotta hold on to what you believe
Believe that the sun will shine tomorrow
And that your saints and sinners bleed
We werenāt born to follow
You gotta stand up for what you believe
This ones about anyone who does it differently
This ones about the one who curses and spits
This aināt about our living in a fantasy
This aināt about giving up or giving in*
Suicide not a solution to our illness. My illness chronic otitis media with cholesteatoma. symptoms of vertigo, outbalance,hearing loss, tinitus, light headedness, anxiety, feel like to fade down, and unexplained symptoms, Try VitB complex polynerve 500mg at bedtime symptoms cease down or improve.Faith in god keep me alive Amen.