Hey Harriet, sorry you are going through this, but you are far from alone, i’m sure many of us have had bouts of depression and feelings of helplessness when dealing with this horrible affliction, I certainly have.
Firstly, lets look at what you have achieved - you seem to suggest you have this condition under relative control, thats FANTASTIC!!! Well done you!!! We all know here that its a Herculean task! I’m sure things will only get better, but, sure you will have some down days. May I ask how long that’s taken you? And do you have any secrets to share for feeling better? What meds did you take?
“Life after MAV” sounds like a very positive thing - I’m looking forward to life AFTER mav!
Secondly, boyfriend, well he clearly wasn’t good enough for you or simply not equipped to deal with illness in a loved one, not every one is. If someone really loves you, though, they will stick by you through thick and thin. You don’t love a person just for what you can get out of them! You are now free to find someone more suitable, but rather than searching, just live your life and try to mix with people more and you will find someone I’m sure! One of the crazy things about MAV is it doesn’t usually make you any less attractive, so put your best foot forward, put on some nice clothes and get out there!
Same goes for friends - it doesn’t sound like you could have had many people in your life really worthy of that title! But maybe its partly because you slipped away, didn’t engage them which I’d fully understand - how about you reach out to a few and try to make an effort to meet them at a time when you feel strong enough?
Job - well let’s not go there - its really tough to have MAV and hold down a demanding job, most employers are either not understanding enough or simply don’t have the resources to deal with your special circumstances. But if you hate the current one (and well done for holding down a job at all!) you really ought to consider making changes if you have the strength?
How old are you and where are you based? Perhaps you could meet some like minded people?
Have you had any counselling, it can be REALLY helpful, I’ve had a bit and I was surprised how useful it was - ask your GP (local doctor) to refer you to one if you can afford it or have a free national health system
All the best and know that even healthy people get down from time to time! And almost nobody grows older without having some health issues, so its completely normal for something to go wrong